An Open Letter to the Lonely Girl

So you feel alone, like you're drowning beneath the waves and no one to pull you back to shore. Almost as if you had a million reasons to go and not many to stay. There is just something about the darkness of the night that haunts you, yet you love to sit and think about life while counting your wishes in the stars. It seems that everyone around you is happy and content with life and you envy how they can go day to day and live their life so gracefully and with such adventure.

I've been there, I know that it takes everything in your power to get out of bed in the morning, to get dressed and put that same forced smile on your face. Day after day it's the same routine and it starts to blur together. The things that once made you so happy just don't have the same effect anymore, yet you act like it does so the people around you don't know how alone you really feel. Why should they get the privilege of knowing how you really feel when most of the time they are just going to use it against you? It makes no sense, right?

You might crave physical touch every now and then, in an emotional way. Yet there is nobody there for you when you need it the most. You're waiting for him to figure it out so he can comfort you in the way he used to with all those late night drives and conversations. Nothing else is comparable to the way he made you feel, the way he held you when you were sad or scared, and they way he made you so happy that you always had a smile on your face, even if you were mad at him. The way he would look at you when he thought you weren't looking as you're dancing and singing your heart out.

You were in love with him, not for the way he sweet talked you, but because he was himself. Just him.

Now that he isn't there like he used to be, you feel insecure and maybe a little helpless. It doesn't help that everyone around you seems to have someone but you, and all you want to do is call him and hug him. He might even be your kryptonite. It's going to hurt, you're going to feel like your heart got ripped open, but that's because it matters.

It will always matter, there will never be a day that goes by that you don't miss him. Over all, you feel empty inside, and that nobody understands. Probably because you don't completely understand yourself. That's okay, you don't have to completely understand why you're lonely or feeling the way you are. This is the beauty of life, it's a puzzle that you put together as you go.

It might not even be all because of him, you might be sad about other events in your life, and this just seems to amplify it. It's going to sting for awhile, but you got to try and be happy. Take off the fake smile, and dress up for a day. Make sure you feel beautiful, if only for one day. It will help make you happier for the day and it helps with the loneliness. Now, it won't completely go away, it will always be there, but as long as you start to fall in love with yourself again, it will subside into the prick of a needle.

If you don't try, you will never succeed.

Always expect the unexpected.

Ever heard the saying, expect the unexpected? Well it seems that most of you believe that to be true, and I applaud you for that, because it is more that true. Ever feel like you've been hit by a freight train but with words? Yeah, that's a bitch.

There came a point in my life where I made myself a promise, and that was to not do something if it wasn't making me happy. Not fake happy, not I will put up with it happy, but really happy. However, there was always one thing that I stuck with no matter how it made me feel. I've done this before, and I know the outcome; it's never pretty and always pretty damn messy.

Even though I know what the outcome of letting someone else have the reins over my emotions is, I still do it and I'm sure there are some people out there that let people do this to them too. Even if they don't necessarily know it's happening, or they are playing the ignorance card.

Here is what I am trying to say with all of this, make sure that you know all possible outcomes, and that you are emotionally ready for every outcome that might happen. This helps you become better prepared for that freight train of words that is about to knock you off your feet. Now, don't get confused by this. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt, it is. What I'm saying is that it's better to know that something might happen and have control over the situation so you're not 100% caught off guard.

I've had some though moments in life, some I wish I could've avoided. In theory, that would be amazing; in reality, I've learned from every moment of my life and that is something I wouldn't want to give up. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Also, most people tend to put their emotions into their significant other or the person they have feelings for even if they might not be together. This shouldn't be something that takes up so much of your emotions, that you don't have any left for yourself. The emotions you have for yourself need to be greater than those you put into others. It is a very hard thing to do, especially if you're a person who makes it a point to please others like myself, but it has to be done.

If you don't put more emotion into yourself than others, you're going to be left more of a mess if something goes wrong. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but life happens. Don't shoot the messenger.

In all seriousness though, make sure you invest in yourself before you invest into someone else. Ultimately you are the one who will always be there for yourself, and you are the biggest importance of your life. Unless you have kids, then there might be an exception to that. In the same sense though make sure you take time for yourself. It doesn't always have to be all about the kids, soon they will grow up and then where will you be? An emotional train wreck because you hid yourself in them, and now they aren't there to hide you anymore. Be yourself, don't try and hide yourself in someone else, that isn't healthy or helpful.

"Of this be sure: you don't find the happy life, you make it." -Thomas Manson

Late Night Thoughts

Tonight, just like any other, started off with laughter and jokes. It's always a blessing to be around people who genuinely make you happy. There is no other feeling like it. At this point you are probably thinking that I'm just being clichè, but have you seriously sat down and thought about it?

Through the past few years I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be. I've set my goals an aspirations higher than I would have a few years back. Let's be honest here, hindsight is 20/20; it always is though. You don't know what you have until it's gone; you don't know how far you've gone until you look back on where you used to be.

Tonight was different for me though; I learned things about myself that I guess I somewhat knew already but at the same time it wasn't completely clear to me. Drama is not my friend, it never has been and never will be. Here are my thoughts on why I say this: it's bullshit. I'm guilty of creating drama (I made drama tonight in fact) and I'm mad at myself for doing it.

There was no reason to create the drama that I did. It was completely not necessary and honestly not at all helpful. Drama never is. It's helpful when you know so much about a person to know how annoyed they get with drama. Yet I still created it. Why? Not a clue. I guess I just wanted to be heard.

It gets to a point where you have to take a step back and ask yourself if it's truly worth it. Most of the time, you should find it not to be. I'm appologetic for my actions tonight, and it shouldn't have gone that far.

Moral of the story is that drama is unnecessary and never helpful. Even if it is because you want to be heard. Now, I know that's not the only reason people create drama, but it's at least some of why. That, or they want attention.

I'm not sure if they will read this, but if they do this is what I have to say to them. I'm sorry for trying to make something small into a big deal, that text broke my heart a little and I just wanted to comfort you in the best way I knew how to. That's what I do. Especially when you have such a special place in my heart. I know you don't like drama and the fact that I created it with you makes me a little sick to my stomach to be honest. I know my boundaries, and I somewhat know where I stand with you. It's just hard for me to sit across from you and not be able to help you like I know how to. I probably could have gone about it a different way, but I clearly wasn't thinking through it well enough. I love you, and I miss you.

Xoxo,
Lonely midnight thoughts.

Nature is Beauty

This is probably one of the best pictures I have ever taken. As most of you know, I am into photography and am almost always taking pictures (even if they are selfies). I'm so proud of the photos that I took this day, but this one is probably my favorite. 

Fun in the Sun

Today was an adventure in a couple different ways. Since I've moved in and out of my moms house quite frequently since turning 18, and even a few times before that when I got into trouble, I've just stopped unpacking some boxes and just put them in our storage under the house. Well today was the day that I went through all of those boxes. Not only to get rid of things I clearly had no use for, but to reorganize all of them since they had been half full boxes, or just a mash-up of items.

This is how bad I've gotten over the past few years; I emptied probably 15 boxes, and reorganized them into 5. Master packer vs hoarder. Yes, I admit it, I hoard things that I think I might want down the road (even though 99% of the time I don't). It felt so good to get that all taken care of, especially when 2 boxes are Christmas, and another is all dishes. That means only two or three boxes have actual stuff in there.

Somewhat expecting that to take the greater portion of the day, I hadn't really planned anything else and that was to be my big project of the day. Well that really only took about an hour or two, and then I wasn't really sure what to do after that because I didn't want to sit and watch TV all day, especially because of how nice it was outside.

With that being said, I asked my friend Jess what she was up to since I haven't seen her in months. We ended up going to the park and walking around catching up, then going to get SONIC Happy Hour Slushies to cool off. I'm a sucker for Sonic Slushies.

Here is the issue we ran into while trying to plan this adventure, where do we go? We rattled off a few ideas, but we figured the places we listed were sure to be crowded, and who wants to go somewhere where it's crowded? Not me, I don't handle crowds very well, they stress me out and I get really frustrated.

That was the question; somewhere new, that had a body of water, and wasn't going to be too crowded. Wilsonville docks, Newberg docks, and finally Cook Park. Well we ended up going to cook park because well all else was not looking up. We wanted to go on an adventure, and find somewhere not so crowded. From my experience, all of these places are highly known so most often there are plenty of people there, and in big groups.

This was her first time at Cook Park, so I guess you could say it was a new adventure. We went walking on the trails that go through the whole park. Some of the paths dead-ended, and some just seemed not so plausible. We did make it down almost every trail in the park though, and the sign at the gate said the park was a half a mile, so that counted as my exercise for the day! ;)

That was my fun in the sun for the day, and it was pretty great!

You're a Work in Progress

In my last post, I explored the fragile aspects of time, and how we should value it. Well, now I want to explore how we view ourselves. When I was attending George Fox, I took a communications class, with one of the best professors I've ever had in my college career. We were to make three speeches throughout the duration of the semester. Persuasive was the last speech that we were supposed to give. This one was probably one of my favorites.

It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to tell me audience, or what I wanted to persuade them into thinking. Then it came to me. We are all going through the same hell, just different devils. Most often, we don't think of ourselves as highly as others might. At least that's how it is for me. Yes, some people may think less of me than I think of myself, but I tend not to stick around those people.

My speech was about believing in yourself, and I rocked it! I was so proud of myself over this speech. It took me awhile to come up with something because nothing seemed to satisfy my need to help someone. That's why I thought, why try to convince someone that Disney World is better than Disney Land, or how Oregon State is better than University of Oregon. All other options, including these, seemed inadequate.

Believing in yourself is hard for most people, and easier for others. It all depends on who you are and how you handle situations. There is a point in life where you need to be alone with yourself to think, and basically find who you are and what you want to do in life. There is never a better time than now to start really getting to know who you are and what you stand for, then nobody can break you down.

It is hard to block out negative things that people may say to you, and not every time can you block out everything. Try this: take it with a grain of sand. If you know who you are, what you stand for, and are firm in your beliefs, then you already have an advantage. You are who you are, the people putting you down don't know what you've been through, they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Why let them control your feelings with their perception of your life when they don't know the whole story? Again, take it with a grain of sand, and know in your heart that they are just trying to get a reaction out of you.

As the title proposes, you are a work in progress. Don't let anyone push you to be something your not. Let people encourage you and stand by you through your journey, but never let someone drag you down. They don't deserve to have that satisfaction, and they don't deserve you. Time is short, you never know what is ahead, make sure it counts.

Time

I know that most often we learn in life that time is fragile. Most of us don't fully understand what this means. Honestly I didn't either until I lost one of the most important things in my life, and another one a year and a half later. This concept was not something I understood until Cancer had a confrontation with my Dad, it was not something I understood until I had to put my best friend of 15 years down, it was not something I understood until I lost my grandpa.

After high school, I had my struggles; I let people closest to me down, I lost people I cared about because I was to ignorant and negative, and I lost myself. I was a disappointment to many, and that scared me. It's hard for me knowing I let someone down, that is where I start to panic. In my mind, letting someone else down (the people closest to me) is more important than letting myself down. My mother watched me go through reckless relationships, moving in and out of her house, fighting, yelling, crying. This is the end I thought, the end of everything I've known, I have hit rock bottom.

Although I'm not going to display all of my struggles and discontentment's, it was a hard time for me. Thorough this progression, I learned that TIME IS VALUABLE, YOU ARE VALUABLE. It's funny that all this time we have, we don't have it at the same time. The average American wakes up, goes to work and/or school, then if they have time some activities, then eat and sleep. We get up the next day and do it all over again, as if we were robots, programmed to be repetitive.

This post may seem like it's a bunch of jumbled thoughts, and that it probably really accurate.

There are times when I watch random things on Netflix or OnDemand, and they turn out to be amazing stories and they hit me so deeply. With that said, there was a book by Mitch Albom (favorite author by the way) it was called Time Keeper. In this book, was the story of Father Time; now this wasn't a long book, it was actually a very quick read. However, I was so impressed by this book because of the concept behind it. I encourage you to read it.

Anyways, Albom describes Father Times life, even before he was Father Time, and walks us through this amazing adventure of a man who asks the heavens why his Wife had died, and he didn't have time to save her. He then turns into Father Time. Now that's all I'm going to say about the story line for those of you who want to read it so there are no spoilers.

Again, TIME IS VALUABLE. There isn't a countdown clock on your nightstand, there is no knowing the future. There is now, there is only right now. Make the most out of every moment. You may know that someone doesn't have much time left here, but you never know the exact moment. There are things that I wish I could go back and change. Like getting to know my grandpa more than I do. He was my role model, he had so much strength and courage, and one of the last things he said to me will stay with me forever. But, with as much as I'd like to go back and get to know him more, I know that the future, as we are right now, would not be the same.

Right now, my life isn't bad, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse and I am grateful that it isn't. Everyone fights, argues, and has there fall-outs, but just make sure that when you fight, don't take too long to make up. You can never get time back, but you can choose how to spend it.