tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20671995139765290422024-03-13T19:39:55.122-07:00Not So Invisible AnymoreTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-57970309648629367922018-10-06T13:23:00.003-07:002018-10-06T13:23:52.077-07:00Keeping My Head Above WaterThe past few months, it has been a daily struggle to keep my head above the water. It has taken everything to keep fighting, to keep pushing through. Honestly, I don't know how I've managed to make it this far. I've been fighting a silent battle within my heart and my mind. I might be vocal over social media about some things, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.<br />
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Throughout the course of my life, it was always to make my dad proud, to admire the strength that I got from him, and to grow up to be the woman he wanted me to be. Everything I did was to prove to him that he raised a strong woman who could fend for herself. Which, in my opinion, he did a pretty damn good job. That's not to say that my mom didn't help in that, because she did of course. For some reason, I've always been a daddy's girl and his opinion of me mattered so much more than anyone else, including my mom.<br />
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I remember the last thing I said to my dad, I said, "Okay dad, I'm leaving to go back to mom's house, I will be back in the morning. Call me if you need anything. I love you so much." I remember he looked at me with sleepy eyes and a grumble, my heart broke watching him so weak in that hospital bed not being able to do anything but lay there and endure the pain. My dad was the strongest person I've ever known. Never once in his 8 years of the cancer battle did I hear him complain. Not a "why is this happening to me?" or "I can't believe this is happening to me." Which speaks volumes for the kind of man he was, which is maybe why his approval was so important to me.<br />
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Even though he is no longer here, his approval is still very important to me. Whenever I'm making an important decision, I think to myself, "what would dad say about this?" Most of the time, I end up making a decision based on what I think he'd want me to do. Then, other times, I do something regardless of how I think he'd feel, because it's no secret that we didn't always agree on things. Which is okay, nobody agrees on everything all the time.<br />
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I think about my dad everyday, and everyday I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to get ready, make it through the day, and just keep going.<br />
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When I was little, my brother and I would switch weekends between my mom's house and my dad's house. On weekends that we were at dad's house, it was always a rule that no matter what you ALWAYS make your bed before you leave your room. If you didn't then you'd get an ear full about it. As a kid, I always seemed to come up with a good excuse, and every time he marched me back into my room and explained the value of making the bed before you left the room. Eventually I caught on that it would be much easier to just make the bed before I left than it would be to try and get away with not making it. Now, when I was at mom's that didn't ever happen. My bed was always in shambles, and my room was always a wreck.<br />
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Looking back, dad instilled so many valuable life lessons. Since I moved out, every single day I have made my bed before I have left my room, and every single day I think, dad would be proud. I have to give myself credit for the little things, or I wouldn't make it out of bed in the first place. Grieving looks different on everyone, and I've always struggled with anxiety and depression, so losing him was like an anchor got tied to my ankle and I got shoved overboard.<br />
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I remember the morning he passed. I was in a deep sleep, and all of a sudden sat straight up in my bed, wide awake, looking at the clock. It was 5:09am. In my mind, I knew I didn't have to be at Tracy's until 8am, so I knew I wasn't late. There was this gut feeling as I laid back down, and my gut told me, "TAYLOR, GET UP RIGHT NOW, DO NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP." So I listened, I got up and started getting ready. My Fitbit was in the bathroom charging, and my phone was in my room. I was starting to put my makeup on when I picked up my Fitbit. As soon as I picked it up, it started vibrating, meaning I was getting a phone call. I looked at it, "Rhonda is calling.." Immediately I ran into my room and answered the phone. It was never a good sign that Rhonda was up before 6am on a Saturday. My voice shallow, "..hello.." then Rhonda said, "can you come over?" I said, "I'm on my way."<br />
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I scrambled to get dressed, throwing whatever I could find on. Raced down the stairs, grabbed my keys and my phone, took off out the door. I'm honestly shocked I even remembered to lock the door behind me. My gut told me he was gone, my heart didn't want to believe it. I probably went way too fast the whole way over there. My only goal at that moment was to get there as fast as I could. I slammed my car into park, grabbed my purse, ran into the house, dropped everything, and ran into the front living room. My heart is racing, and adrenaline has kicked in. I look at my aunts, tears fill my eyes, they look at me with tears in theirs and shake their heads. If Rhonda wasn't there to catch me I would have fell to the ground. My knees went weak, everything was numb, I yelled out, "NO!!!"<br />
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The tears kept coming, they seemed to go on for hours. As I looked at my dad laying in that bed, no longer alive, my heart felt so broken and so lost. The hospice nurse told me I could sit with him and talk to him if I wanted to. I talked to him for hours, laid with him and cried into his lifeless arm. I couldn't believe my daddy was gone, it couldn't be possible. The strongest man I've ever known is gone. He's right in front of me, but he's gone. Every time I thought that I had composed myself enough to get up and talk to my aunt, I started crying.<br />
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We waited awhile to call the funeral home in case my uncle or grandparents wanted to say their final goodbyes. Well, I was laying with him that entire time. My aunt's practically had to pull me away from his bedside. I didn't want to go, I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to come back, and be here with us. I had to keep telling myself that he was no longer in any pain, and that he didn't want to be in pain anymore.<br />
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When my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, it was 2010 and I was a Sophomore in high school. He told my brother and I on Christmas, which was a very difficult thing to hear. He didn't tell us to hurt us, it was just a moment when all three of us were together. He told us he was going to fight it, and his doctors saw a good outcome. Months of Chemo and Radiation treatments later, and he was in remission. A few years went by, and it had come back. Surgery to take it out, more chemo, more radiation. Again, in remission. Fast forward a few years from that, and this time it's not as promising. Engulfing his rib, they decided to take it out, and put mesh where his rib would be. When they went in to do the surgery, they noticed it had spread to his diaphragm, which at that point there's nothing they could do in terms of removal. To say I was livid is an understatement. Dad just said, "okay, what do we do now?"<br />
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So I knew for 8 years there was a chance of him not winning this battle, but we were all so headstrong and determined to help him beat this. And for 7 years, it worked. The final year was probably the hardest year. Dad was losing his strength, trying different chemo, since he'd reached his lifetime limit of the other one on the first rodeo. Oncology appointments constantly, lots of experimenting. They offered an immunotherapy trail, and dad jumped at the opportunity. So he did that for awhile, until the pain became so bad that he lost feeling in his legs. After an ER visit, and countless hours of him sitting in the same wheelchair he was admitted in, they discovered that the steroids they used at the hospital helped with the inflammation, and it was like nothing ever happened.<br />
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This was great news, because dad wasn't in as much pain anymore, and that's all he ever wanted. Pain management. Every year we go on our annual camping/fishing trip to Wickiup Reservoir over Memorial Day weekend. This year, we feared he wouldn't be able to go, but he was determined. Wilson came up from Alabama to go with us, and our family friends (the Douglas's) were on board as well. Game on!<br />
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This trip took everything dad had, and everyone at camp was helping him. Medication management, getting into the boat, getting him safely to the tent, and his chair. Getting him food, and drinks, and anything he needed. Now, he was still capable of doing this himself with a little bit of a struggle, but we could all see how much pain he was in, and didn't want to add to that pain. I remember the last morning we were there, we packed up camp per usual, and dad sat in the truck since we had packed away his chair. I ran to the Douglas's camp site and asked if one of them could come take a picture of the three of us by the boat. Dad recently got his boat wrapped, which he'd been talking about for years, and I wanted all of us to have a picture together next to it. I remember Wilson getting upset with me for wanting to make dad get out of the truck when he was in so much pain for one stupid picture.<br />
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That one "stupid" picture is the last picture that we have with all three of us. Even though dad was in some pain, I'm so happy that I didn't listen to Wilson, and asked dad anyways. Of course, daddy's girl always gets her way 😏.<br />
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I will end with this, everyone fights their own silent battles. What they share with you is most likely just the tip of the iceberg. Take care when someone opens up to you about their struggles. Everyone is dealing with the same hell, just different devils. I love my daddy to the moon and back a million times, and I miss him every single day. I cry in the store, in my car, in the shower, when I'm doing mundane things, I cry ALL THE TIME. That's okay, everyone heals differently. It will never stop hurting, I know that for a fact. I will miss him at my wedding, I will miss him when I have children, and I will miss him every single day before and after that. Knowing that he won't be here to watch me grow up more, and to watch my kids grow up hurts the most.<br />
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I'm determined to make him proud, in everything I do.<br />
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Forever and Always,<br />
Daddy's Little Girl 💜<br />
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-62596028401554352702016-08-04T18:39:00.001-07:002016-08-04T18:39:52.980-07:00My New LoveThis is something that needs to be said, and I want everyone to hear it. Yes, it was kinda a sudden thing, and yes, it was completely out of left field for me. However, why does it matter? If I love someone, I am going to love them regardless of their gender.<br />
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There is really no difference, actually my relationship with her has been the best one I've ever had. We respect each other, we understand each other, and we love each other. My past relationships have been abusive, they have been full of lies, and they have been a nightmare.<br />
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No, I didn't ever think I would be with a woman. My parents and I always joked about it after I guy I was interested didn't work out, but I feel as though it was an empty joke with no real intentions of that happening. But it did, and I am the happiest I've ever been.<br />
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Sure, it's not conventional. We will run into problems later on down the road when we decide we want to build a life and start having kids. However, these are only deemed PROBLEMS to some, to us it's just how it is, it's something different and it will all work out. Her and I will build a life together, we will be happy, we will be the best versions of ourselves.<br />
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Yeah, I always dreamed of the fairytale wedding and the suit and tie to come home to, but that's what she is to me. She is my suit and tie, my fairytale, my forever. Nothing else matters when I am with her, and all my problems are muted in the background almost like they aren't there anymore.<br />
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Some of you may or may not agree with my sudden decision to rush into a relationship with a woman, but let me tell you this: I have been single for almost 2 years now, and I have had multiple people I have been interested in. When I met her, she made me feel like I was worth more than all of these guys had ever made me feel over the course of months. For those of you who really know me, it's hard for me to believe that I am worth a lot. It's hard for me to know what I deserve, and how I deserve to be treated. Leanna treats me like I am a princess, when she looks at me I can see it. I know she loves me and would never hurt me intentionally, and that's something that is big with me.<br />
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I've learned to love my body and love myself in the past month and a half than I have in many years. Yes, you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. Quite honestly I think that's bullshit. She makes me love myself, she shows me that it's okay to look the way I do, and she makes me feel beautiful. I can now look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I look Beautiful. She makes me feel invincible, and I know that no matter what anyone else thinks of me, she loves me, and I love me. For the first time I can say that I LOVE ME. I LOVE MYSELF. This is a huge.<br />
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So I have a new love, and her name is Leanna. She is everything to me, she is my forever.<br />
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Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-79937223663819250872016-03-31T18:11:00.001-07:002016-03-31T18:11:12.946-07:00Long OverdueAlright so I know I've been saying that I am going to work on a new post, but haven't gotten around to it. Well today, I am getting around to it. Previously it was taking a long time because I didn't know what I wanted to talk about. I don't just like to type something for the hell of you guys having something to read. This blog is supposed to be meaningful, something to make you think.<br />
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With that said, I've decided what I think I'd like to talk to you about. I know that it is now the end of March, and a distance away from New Year's, but I would still kinda make this a New Year's post nonetheless.<br />
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The recap of my 2015 year goes like this, I got accepted into George Fox University for Psychology, and attended Spring Semester. Had to drop out of my psychology class because of a family emergency in January. After spring term ended, I then tried to work for a little bit and get my life a little more pieced together. In May I decided it was time to actually buckle down and go to school for something, cosmetology school was what I decided on, and started in June. I completed cosmetology school in January of this year, so about 7 months. For the hair design part that's a pretty great accomplishment. The best part was, <i><b>I FINALLY GRADUATED FROM A COLLEGE</b></i>. Granted it was a trade school, but still that's such a huge milestone for me.<br />
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Now, as for this year, it's already been a huge year. It's only the end of the third month of 2016 and it's already been such a roller coaster. So much for it being MY YEAR..haha. Although I'm determined to make this my year regardless of what stands in my way. Like I said, I graduated school, then got my license in February, then my dad went in for surgery to remove the cancer on his rib the middle of February. During the surgery they deemed it inoperable because it had spread to rapidly to his diaphragm. So imagine my brother and I's face when he is out of surgery 2 hours early, and the doctor tells us there's nothing they can do.<br />
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After talking with the doctor, the next step was Radiation Therapy, and then Chemotherapy to help reduce his pain. Which is now in the process of being done. I can tell you that my dad is one hell of a fighter. His strength and determination is something that I highly admire.<br />
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I've been put through up's and down's with trying to find a Salon to call home. At this point, I'm not even looking in my licensed field because that's how much I just need a job. It's funny when people talk to me about jobs because they don't understand my mindset. Three years ago now I made a promise to myself and I keep all my promises. <i>This promise is to not do something that doesn't make my soul happy.</i><br />
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Now I get that I'm only 20 years old, and that's not how is was when you were a child, but this is how I am choosing to live my life. After everything I've been through, I think that life is too short to be unhappy. I didn't pay thousands of dollars to wake up and not want to go to work. That's not how I want to live, and it's okay if you don't agree with me, but don't try to lecture me about it.<br />
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I've found new friends, and I've lost old ones. What I've learned though is that in the end it's only you. Your best friend is yourself in the end. People promise to always be there, but almost always those promises fall through. You can't rely on anyone for anything.<br />
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<b><u>BE BRAVE. BE YOURSELF. BE CONFIDENT.</u></b></h2>
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Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-15402294626638066702015-12-12T23:33:00.001-08:002015-12-12T23:51:57.945-08:00ConfessionOver the course of the last week I have been indulging myself into a show on Netflix that I had no idea was based in Portland until I watched it. Called, 'Life Unexpected' this show has shed light on so many things in my life that I never thought anyone or anything could ever shine light on.<br>
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It's recently come to my attention that I am incapable of having friends, and more than one person close to me at a time. As much as I try to have multiple friendships, or just relationships in general it never works. EVER. Trust me, I've literally denied this my whole life insisting that I was able to have multiple friends. In the end I always end up with just one, sometimes none at all.<br>
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As for the reason I am this way, I have no idea. It's like I have ADHD when it comes to my friend circles. My mind becomes a vortex of chaos and it spirals out of control before I have time to figure out what is happening.<br>
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By the time my life is spinning out of control, once again I hit rock bottom. I should almost just build real estate down there because it seems to always be my place of existence. When everything and anything can and will go wrong, it does. Life always has a way of kicking me when I'm down.<br>
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Throughout my life of 20 and a half years, I've been through a lot. Yes, people my age have been through a lot more, or a lot less. Same hell, different devils. I've had people leave me, hurt me, lie to me, abuse me, wreck me, tear me apart limb by limb. Therefore I am a very guarded person. I don't talk to the people who love me, because how can I trust them when so many people have stabbed me in the back with a double edged sword?<br>
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Now some will say that you can't put your past on others, because not everyone is the same. That I can understand, but at the same time I have such a hard time opening up to people because once I do they leave. People see me as the class clown, I will always try to make your day better, I'm always looking for a joke or a way to make someone laugh. I will ask you a million times a day if you're okay because maybe to me, you seem a little off. Not your normal self.<br>
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People ask me if I'm okay, I always say I'm alright. That is my go to response, a conditioned response to everyone. One of my previous supervisor's took that as a negative thing, and complained about it on my yearly review. It's not a negative thing. I'm alright means that I'm not the best I could be but I'm not the worst I've been, I'm just ALRIGHT.<br>
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Sometimes I try to justify people hurting me, because I don't want to believe they did it on purpose. I don't want to believe that after everything they could just throw me down and kick me after everything we'd been through. After awhile you get used to making excuses for people and getting hurt is an everyday thing, and you don't know nice if it was sitting next to you. You think abuse is normal. Mental, physical, emotional; you start to think they are all normal because you don't know any better.<br>
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I used to blame my parents for making me so screwed up, mainly my dad. But it wasn't just him. Part of it probably because I put so much of my time and effort into pleasing him and all I would get is criticism, and things I should have done rather than a good job or way to go from what I did do. Nowadays I no longer strive to make him proud, or anyone really because I will never be good enough for them. I will never be who they want me to be.<br>
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Honestly, I cried at my High School graduation because I never thought I would make it to see that day. I cried when I got accepted into Southern Oregon University, and George Fox a year and a half later. Those were big accomplishments for me because I never thought I could. I'm not the girl that gets things like that.<br>
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Some things in life really just flood my mind and make it hurt so much it's almost unbearable. One day I was handed a handwritten letter. Much to my surprise it wasn't much of a letter, but a list. Front and back about 3 pages (college ruled). This was a compiled list from my (ex)boyfriend's best friend. About everything he had said he didn't like about me to her and then an explanation as to why in her own words.<br>
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This was by far the worst thing someone could have done to me emotionally. I took this letter, and he told me not to read it, but I did anyways. Would you? I wanted to know what someone I thought was my friend had to say about MY relationship. An outsider, who had only a sliver of what was really going on. And he might see this, he might not. I don't know who all reads this blog and who doesn't.<br>
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I didn't understand then, and I don't now. How someone could intentionally drown someone in their own personality and make them feel like shit about who they are. How she could sit there with a smile on her face knowing that this letter was going to tear me apart, and put cracks in my relationship. That messed me up as a person.<br>
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I'm so broken on the inside, and nobody knows that. Nobody knows that I am such a messed up person and nobody can understand me because half the time I can't even understand myself. Half the time I can't even explain to you how I feel what I feel, or why, or what caused it. I can be happy one minute, and completely depressed the next and have no idea why.<br>
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I'm not perfect, I'm hard to love, and I sure as hell don't make it easy; I also don't try to make it hard either. So I confess, I'm broken and emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted from the abuse of my life.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-78286996406680195562015-11-03T17:24:00.000-08:002015-11-03T17:24:06.743-08:00Belated Halloween ThoughtsHere I was, scrolling through Facebook counting down to Halloween. What I saw was no less than ordinary, but it got me thinking. Every Halloween without fail, someone posts or shares a photo that has to do with not dressing up as a specific thing because it is hurtful so their culture or a culture they have grown encompassed to. Now, I'm not saying this is right or wrong.<br />
<br />
However, has it ever occurred to anyone, that no matter what costume you want to wear it's almost always going to involve someone's life. That it might be hurtful? For example: dressing as a construction worker. Cute right? Yes. Not recognizing the fact that this is someones life, their career. So why is it that dressing as an Indian is recognized as shameful but nothing else really is? Inanimate objects, not so much of a concern (Soap and Loofah, Ketchup and Mustard, Netflix and Chill, etc.).<br />
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Seriously think about this. If we are not recognizing that everyone is human, this world is going to fall apart. Hell, it already is. This is my point, dressing up has been an age-old tradition that has been carried through the years. Although the things people may say about a certain costume can be hurtful, we are all human. We should be able to dress as whatever we want. An Indian, Bohemian dancer, construction worker, policeman/policewoman, fireman, etc.<br />
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No judgement should be placed on anyone for being who they want to be on the one night they can choose to be anything they can imagine.<br />
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Here's to the free spirits, and the ones who still respect what they may be representing on Halloween night with whatever costume they are wearing.<br />
<br />
<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-36307581213173924892015-10-16T15:25:00.002-07:002015-10-16T15:28:17.536-07:00A letter to my best friendThank you.<br />
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Thank you for being you, for loving me the way I am, for everything you do for me. In my obsessively crazy world, I know you'll always be there. We've gone through some rocky points in our lives without each other, and it seems to go a little smoother when I know you're there to catch me.<br />
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For staying up at night to talk to me, even though you're exhausted from your long day. For being the shoulder I can cry on, and you'll hold me so I feel safe again. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, and a part of your family. I know how much family means to you, and I am so grateful that I can be a part of that.<br />
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Thank you for being a part of my family, for coming to me when you need someone there for you, even at 3am, because you know I will always be there for you. Thank you for encouraging me and helping me to keep on the right track. Thank you for being my common sense when it seems all of mine is on a runaway train.<br />
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I love you so much. I honestly don't know how I would have survived some of the things I have if I didn't have you there beside me. Even though we don't see each other as much as we did, I still value every minute I get with you. I love the endless laughs, texts, Snapchats, Instagram posts, Facebook posts, baking moments, movie marathons, cuddle sessions, photo ops, endless drives, endless love. Unconditional love.<br />
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You are my soulmate. You are the one person I know will always be there through the dark times and the amazing moments I have, as well as I will be there for you.<br />
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As your best friend I vow to:<br />
-Love you always and unconditionally<br />
-Be there for you whenever, wherever, always<br />
-Always communicate with you<br />
-Talk common sense into you when you need it; tough love but still unconditional<br />
-Bake with you at any moment you decide necessary<br />
-Watch movies as many times as you deem necessary<br />
-Mutually agree on household items and where we will live in two years<br />
-Be the shoulder you can cry on<br />
-Be the punching bag<br />
-Tell you the truth about everything (except surprises, but you always figure those out anyways!!)<br />
-Be your lesbian lover at any sign of distress<br />
-Be the best cuddle buddy you'll ever have<br />
-Love your cat<br />
-Appreciate your love for Owl's<br />
-Always be there<br />
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These are just the things off the top of my head, I'm sure I could go on and on and on but you get the point. I promise to not walk out of your life. I will not walk out, I will let you drag me through hell with you as long as you hold my hand.<br />
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Forever and with all of my heart, I love you.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
Your Best Friend<br />
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-10042744091555533342015-10-13T21:43:00.001-07:002015-10-13T21:43:11.984-07:00You.You. You're not who I thought you were. You've changed so much since I've known you. It makes me wonder if I ever really knew you at all. Was the whole thing a lie? Were you waiting for me to get fed up and leave?<br />
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It doesn't even hurt anymore like it did a year or two ago. Honestly, now I am just numb to everything and everyone. It's like you posting things about your new person doesn't even phase me or come as a shock anymore.<br />
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You knew me so well, you knew my deepest secrets, my deepest loves. You saw me raw, almost naked in a metaphorical sense. That's something most people never have the chance to do. I was by your side and you were by mine, through thick and thin.<br />
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Through heartbreak, new loves, accomplishments, everything. You. It was you who was there, nobody else. You were there when I needed someone the most. In those moments that I was most vulnerable. Yet you look at me now like that was nothing.<br />
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Now. Now you sit there and act like I don't exist anymore, that nothing ever happened. He changed you, in the worst way. Only some good things came out of that, and losing you was not one of them. But I wasn't going to sit there and give 100% of my effort with nothing in return.<br />
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It was a two way street with us, but you repaved the street, and had a traffic control change. You smoothed over the memories we had, everything we shared together, gone. As if it never happened in the first place. Nothing to show for the 6 years of memories.<br />
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I knew I would lose you that March, I had a gut feeling. Even though you told me you wouldn't leave, you did. Not right away, but no doubt you did. It was never the same after that, we tried to pretend it was but we both knew it wasn't.<br />
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That's what breaks my heart the most. Knowing you don't care, knowing that you threw me out like yesterdays trash.<br />
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"That don't sound like you." -Lee BriceTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-70850114984365121992015-10-03T16:45:00.003-07:002015-10-03T16:45:36.340-07:00Fire - Fuego - Feuer - FuocoFire, one of the earth's elements that is so vastly used. We can use it for survival, torture, warmth, to heat our water, to cook our food, so many other things too. Fire can tear someone apart, rip everything they know from them in the blink of an eye. Fire is fragile, but it is not discriminatory. (Contrary to what Johnathan Addison says).<br />
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However, fire is also like a vampire. In the fact that you cannot see it's reflection. If you don't believe me, try it.<br />
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Make this a point in your life. We conceal who we truly are in our shadows that nobody can see. They hide away and don't come out, until certain circumstances draw them out of you. If someone were to judge you based off of what type of flame they see, because they can't see the reflection, it's basically saying that someone is judging you based off what they currently see, they are not seeing what mountains you had to climb to get there. How much heartbreak you had to endure to get where you currently are, to get that flame to stand out against the others.<br />
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The thing you should remember most in your life, is you were made to stand out, not blend in. Stand for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone, because that is when you stay true to you. When you stand for what you believe in, you're protecting your values, you are using your voice and freedom of speech.<br />
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I have a suspicion that people don't tend to stand up and use their voice because they are afraid of being frowned upon, or hurtful things being said to them. But, if you ask me, that's half the battle. If you think about it, standing up even knowing in the back of your mind there might be backlash from some people, now that is true courage. Also, you saying something instead of holding it in may give another person with not as much strength to be first a chance to stand along side you. That is powerful.<br />
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Again, a you cannot see the shadow of a flame, so don't be discouraged that people can't see what you've been through to get where you are. Stand strong, be who you are and say what you feel. You never know when your last opportunity will be, or if you will be able to save someone, somewhere from something they couldn't save themselves from.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
Fire - Fuego - Feuer - FuocoTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-14222089563546926622015-09-02T19:42:00.001-07:002015-09-02T22:21:25.446-07:00A Tiny ThoughtI've been thinking a lot about life lately. Some good, some bad. It just seems like there is so much being thrown onto my plate, and I don't want to take more than I can chew. <div><br></div><div>With that in mind, I know I'm strong, and I know I can handle a lot more than I think I can. Pushing myself makes me better, and more productive. Although it can stress me out, I know in the end I will make myself proud and continue to push myself towards my goals. </div><div><br></div><div>It has been a rough past few months; roller coaster of ups and downs. Through it all, my best friend has been there. That's something I could have only wished for a year ago. It's funny, ordinarily people describe soul mates as: lovers, life partners, people who are destined to get married, ect. That's not it at all. A soul mate could be within your family, within your group of friends, possibly even a stranger. Yes, a soul mate could be all of the romantic things previously stated, but to me that's not all it is. </div><div><br></div><div>My best friend is my soul mate, and this is why:</div><div>-same music taste (this is a very important thing to have in common...music is life)</div><div>-we love food</div><div>-cuddling is second nature</div><div>-we understand even if there are no words</div><div>-we LOVE food</div><div>-also movies and movie marathons</div><div>-we wear the same size clothes (not a necessity but helpful when needing something 'new to you' to wear when you get bored of your wardrobe)</div><div>-night out? Nope. Night in, with drinks, food, movies, and some more food. </div><div>-we are always proud of the other and support them in anything they do, regardless on if we agree with it. Because we know they love it/want it. </div><div>-endless random funny yet sometimes serious texting conversations and snapchats throughout the day to make your shitty day better; and just in general. </div><div>-we are always beautiful enough; sweatpants and all. </div><div><br></div><div>These are just a few things on the long list of things that we have in common, but we also have our differences. That's what makes us mesh so well. We compliment eachother like steak and potatoes. </div><div><br></div><div>If you take away anything at all from this, make sure the thing that sticks is not to take people for granted. To love unconditionally and without expectation. Yeah, sometimes you might get burnt; but there are those few people who won't fuck you over. Hold onto them, they are a pearl in an ocean of sharks. Fighting over stupid shit? Forget about it, life is too short and it's petty drama. </div><div><br></div><div>Most of all, love yourself enough to know your worth and beauty. Inspire others with your drive and your passion. Have integrity, and believe in yourself. In the end, the only battle you have is with yourself. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bPQNadukHPc/VefY0yJefjI/AAAAAAAASEc/i9rA-ncu7o4/s640/blogger-image--75229261.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bPQNadukHPc/VefY0yJefjI/AAAAAAAASEc/i9rA-ncu7o4/s640/blogger-image--75229261.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-35825161094385975862015-08-15T16:07:00.001-07:002015-08-15T16:07:41.538-07:00An Open Letter to the Lonely GirlSo you feel alone, like you're drowning beneath the waves and no one to pull you back to shore. Almost as if you had a million reasons to go and not many to stay. There is just something about the darkness of the night that haunts you, yet you love to sit and think about life while counting your wishes in the stars. It seems that everyone around you is happy and content with life and you envy how they can go day to day and live their life so gracefully and with such adventure.<br />
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I've been there, I know that it takes everything in your power to get out of bed in the morning, to get dressed and put that same forced smile on your face. Day after day it's the same routine and it starts to blur together. The things that once made you so happy just don't have the same effect anymore, yet you act like it does so the people around you don't know how alone you really feel. Why should they get the privilege of knowing how you really feel when most of the time they are just going to use it against you? It makes no sense, right?<br />
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You might crave physical touch every now and then, in an emotional way. Yet there is nobody there for you when you need it the most. You're waiting for him to figure it out so he can comfort you in the way he used to with all those late night drives and conversations. Nothing else is comparable to the way he made you feel, the way he held you when you were sad or scared, and they way he made you so happy that you always had a smile on your face, even if you were mad at him. The way he would look at you when he thought you weren't looking as you're dancing and singing your heart out.<br />
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You were in love with him, not for the way he sweet talked you, but because he was himself. Just him.<br />
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Now that he isn't there like he used to be, you feel insecure and maybe a little helpless. It doesn't help that everyone around you seems to have someone but you, and all you want to do is call him and hug him. He might even be your kryptonite. It's going to hurt, you're going to feel like your heart got ripped open, but that's because it matters.<br />
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It will always matter, there will never be a day that goes by that you don't miss him. Over all, you feel empty inside, and that nobody understands. Probably because you don't completely understand yourself. That's okay, you don't have to completely understand why you're lonely or feeling the way you are. This is the beauty of life, it's a puzzle that you put together as you go.<br />
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It might not even be all because of him, you might be sad about other events in your life, and this just seems to amplify it. It's going to sting for awhile, but you got to try and be happy. Take off the fake smile, and dress up for a day. Make sure you feel beautiful, if only for one day. It will help make you happier for the day and it helps with the loneliness. Now, it won't completely go away, it will always be there, but as long as you start to fall in love with yourself again, it will subside into the prick of a needle.<br />
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If you don't try, you will never succeed.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-47474205617060817902015-07-13T08:21:00.001-07:002015-07-13T08:21:09.092-07:00Always expect the unexpected.Ever heard the saying, expect the unexpected? Well it seems that most of you believe that to be true, and I applaud you for that, because it is more that true. Ever feel like you've been hit by a freight train but with words? Yeah, that's a bitch.<br />
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There came a point in my life where I made myself a promise, and that was to not do something if it wasn't making me happy. Not fake happy, not I will put up with it happy, but really happy. However, there was always one thing that I stuck with no matter how it made me feel. I've done this before, and I know the outcome; it's never pretty and always pretty damn messy.<br />
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Even though I know what the outcome of letting someone else have the reins over my emotions is, I still do it and I'm sure there are some people out there that let people do this to them too. Even if they don't necessarily know it's happening, or they are playing the ignorance card.<br />
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Here is what I am trying to say with all of this, make sure that you know all possible outcomes, and that you are emotionally ready for every outcome that might happen. This helps you become better prepared for that freight train of words that is about to knock you off your feet. Now, don't get confused by this. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt, it is. What I'm saying is that it's better to know that something might happen and have control over the situation so you're not 100% caught off guard.<br />
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I've had some though moments in life, some I wish I could've avoided. In theory, that would be amazing; in reality, I've learned from every moment of my life and that is something I wouldn't want to give up. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.<br />
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Also, most people tend to put their emotions into their significant other or the person they have feelings for even if they might not be together. This shouldn't be something that takes up so much of your emotions, that you don't have any left for yourself. The emotions you have for yourself need to be greater than those you put into others. It is a very hard thing to do, especially if you're a person who makes it a point to please others like myself, but it has to be done.<br />
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If you don't put more emotion into yourself than others, you're going to be left more of a mess if something goes wrong. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but life happens. Don't shoot the messenger.<br />
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In all seriousness though, make sure you invest in yourself before you invest into someone else. Ultimately you are the one who will always be there for yourself, and you are the biggest importance of your life. Unless you have kids, then there might be an exception to that. In the same sense though make sure you take time for yourself. It doesn't always have to be all about the kids, soon they will grow up and then where will you be? An emotional train wreck because you hid yourself in them, and now they aren't there to hide you anymore. Be yourself, don't try and hide yourself in someone else, that isn't healthy or helpful.<br />
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"Of this be sure: you don't find the happy life, you make it." -Thomas MansonTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-73372462265714562002015-06-19T01:15:00.001-07:002015-06-19T01:15:13.301-07:00Late Night ThoughtsTonight, just like any other, started off with laughter and jokes. It's always a blessing to be around people who genuinely make you happy. There is no other feeling like it. At this point you are probably thinking that I'm just being clichè, but have you seriously sat down and thought about it?<br />
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Through the past few years I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be. I've set my goals an aspirations higher than I would have a few years back. Let's be honest here, hindsight is 20/20; it always is though. You don't know what you have until it's gone; you don't know how far you've gone until you look back on where you used to be.<br />
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Tonight was different for me though; I learned things about myself that I guess I somewhat knew already but at the same time it wasn't completely clear to me. Drama is not my friend, it never has been and never will be. Here are my thoughts on why I say this: it's bullshit. I'm guilty of creating drama (I made drama tonight in fact) and I'm mad at myself for doing it.<br />
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There was no reason to create the drama that I did. It was completely not necessary and honestly not at all helpful. Drama never is. It's helpful when you know so much about a person to know how annoyed they get with drama. Yet I still created it. Why? Not a clue. I guess I just wanted to be heard.<br />
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It gets to a point where you have to take a step back and ask yourself if it's truly worth it. Most of the time, you should find it not to be. I'm appologetic for my actions tonight, and it shouldn't have gone that far.<br />
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Moral of the story is that drama is unnecessary and never helpful. Even if it is because you want to be heard. Now, I know that's not the only reason people create drama, but it's at least some of why. That, or they want attention.<br />
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I'm not sure if they will read this, but if they do this is what I have to say to them. I'm sorry for trying to make something small into a big deal, that text broke my heart a little and I just wanted to comfort you in the best way I knew how to. That's what I do. Especially when you have such a special place in my heart. I know you don't like drama and the fact that I created it with you makes me a little sick to my stomach to be honest. I know my boundaries, and I somewhat know where I stand with you. It's just hard for me to sit across from you and not be able to help you like I know how to. I probably could have gone about it a different way, but I clearly wasn't thinking through it well enough. I love you, and I miss you.<br />
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Xoxo,<br />
Lonely midnight thoughts.<br />
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-18474970788513001152015-06-09T16:42:00.001-07:002015-06-09T16:42:44.541-07:00Nature is Beauty<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is probably one of the best pictures I have ever taken. As most of you know, I am into photography and am almost always taking pictures (even if they are selfies). I'm so proud of the photos that I took this day, but this one is probably my favorite. </div>
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-2947230436462871112015-06-07T00:44:00.000-07:002015-06-07T00:44:21.668-07:00Fun in the SunToday was an adventure in a couple different ways. Since I've moved in and out of my moms house quite frequently since turning 18, and even a few times before that when I got into trouble, I've just stopped unpacking some boxes and just put them in our storage under the house. Well today was the day that I went through all of those boxes. Not only to get rid of things I clearly had no use for, but to reorganize all of them since they had been half full boxes, or just a mash-up of items.<br />
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This is how bad I've gotten over the past few years; I emptied probably 15 boxes, and reorganized them into 5. Master packer vs hoarder. Yes, I admit it, I hoard things that I think I might want down the road (even though 99% of the time I don't). It felt so good to get that all taken care of, especially when 2 boxes are Christmas, and another is all dishes. That means only two or three boxes have actual stuff in there.<br />
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Somewhat expecting that to take the greater portion of the day, I hadn't really planned anything else and that was to be my big project of the day. Well that really only took about an hour or two, and then I wasn't really sure what to do after that because I didn't want to sit and watch TV all day, especially because of how nice it was outside.<br />
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With that being said, I asked my friend Jess what she was up to since I haven't seen her in months. We ended up going to the park and walking around catching up, then going to get SONIC Happy Hour Slushies to cool off. I'm a sucker for Sonic Slushies.<br />
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Here is the issue we ran into while trying to plan this adventure, where do we go? We rattled off a few ideas, but we figured the places we listed were sure to be crowded, and who wants to go somewhere where it's crowded? Not me, I don't handle crowds very well, they stress me out and I get really frustrated.<br />
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That was the question; somewhere new, that had a body of water, and wasn't going to be too crowded. Wilsonville docks, Newberg docks, and finally Cook Park. Well we ended up going to cook park because well all else was not looking up. We wanted to go on an adventure, and find somewhere not so crowded. From my experience, all of these places are highly known so most often there are plenty of people there, and in big groups.<br />
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This was her first time at Cook Park, so I guess you could say it was a new adventure. We went walking on the trails that go through the whole park. Some of the paths dead-ended, and some just seemed not so plausible. We did make it down almost every trail in the park though, and the sign at the gate said the park was a half a mile, so that counted as my exercise for the day! ;)<br />
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That was my fun in the sun for the day, and it was pretty great!Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-16320092887868317122015-06-04T15:49:00.000-07:002015-06-04T15:49:32.368-07:00You're a Work in ProgressIn my last post, I explored the fragile aspects of time, and how we should value it. Well, now I want to explore how we view ourselves. When I was attending George Fox, I took a communications class, with one of the best professors I've ever had in my college career. We were to make three speeches throughout the duration of the semester. Persuasive was the last speech that we were supposed to give. This one was probably one of my favorites.<br />
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It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to tell me audience, or what I wanted to persuade them into thinking. Then it came to me. We are all going through the same hell, just different devils. Most often, we don't think of ourselves as highly as others might. At least that's how it is for me. Yes, some people may think less of me than I think of myself, but I tend not to stick around those people.<br />
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My speech was about believing in yourself, and I rocked it! I was so proud of myself over this speech. It took me awhile to come up with something because nothing seemed to satisfy my need to help someone. That's why I thought, why try to convince someone that Disney World is better than Disney Land, or how Oregon State is better than University of Oregon. All other options, including these, seemed inadequate.<br />
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Believing in yourself is hard for most people, and easier for others. It all depends on who you are and how you handle situations. There is a point in life where you need to be alone with yourself to think, and basically find who you are and what you want to do in life. There is never a better time than now to start really getting to know who you are and what you stand for, then nobody can break you down.<br />
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It is hard to block out negative things that people may say to you, and not every time can you block out everything. Try this: take it with a grain of sand. If you know who you are, what you stand for, and are firm in your beliefs, then you already have an advantage. You are who you are, the people putting you down don't know what you've been through, they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Why let them control your feelings with their perception of your life when they don't know the whole story? Again, take it with a grain of sand, and know in your heart that they are just trying to get a reaction out of you.<br />
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As the title proposes, you are a work in progress. Don't let anyone push you to be something your not. Let people encourage you and stand by you through your journey, but never let someone drag you down. They don't deserve to have that satisfaction, and they don't deserve you. Time is short, you never know what is ahead, make sure it counts.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-56816697777648585992015-06-03T18:14:00.002-07:002015-06-03T18:14:46.482-07:00TimeI know that most often we learn in life that time is fragile. Most of us don't fully understand what this means. Honestly I didn't either until I lost one of the most important things in my life, and another one a year and a half later. This concept was not something I understood until Cancer had a confrontation with my Dad, it was not something I understood until I had to put my best friend of 15 years down, it was not something I understood until I lost my grandpa.<br />
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After high school, I had my struggles; I let people closest to me down, I lost people I cared about because I was to ignorant and negative, and I lost myself. I was a disappointment to many, and that scared me. It's hard for me knowing I let someone down, that is where I start to panic. In my mind, letting someone else down (the people closest to me) is more important than letting myself down. My mother watched me go through reckless relationships, moving in and out of her house, fighting, yelling, crying. This is the end I thought, the end of everything I've known, I have hit rock bottom.<br />
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Although I'm not going to display all of my struggles and discontentment's, it was a hard time for me. Thorough this progression, I learned that TIME IS VALUABLE, YOU ARE VALUABLE. It's funny that all this time we have, we don't have it at the same time. The average American wakes up, goes to work and/or school, then if they have time some activities, then eat and sleep. We get up the next day and do it all over again, as if we were robots, programmed to be repetitive.<br />
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This post may seem like it's a bunch of jumbled thoughts, and that it probably really accurate.<br />
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There are times when I watch random things on Netflix or OnDemand, and they turn out to be amazing stories and they hit me so deeply. With that said, there was a book by Mitch Albom (favorite author by the way) it was called Time Keeper. In this book, was the story of Father Time; now this wasn't a long book, it was actually a very quick read. However, I was so impressed by this book because of the concept behind it. I encourage you to read it.<br />
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Anyways, Albom describes Father Times life, even before he was Father Time, and walks us through this amazing adventure of a man who asks the heavens why his Wife had died, and he didn't have time to save her. He then turns into Father Time. Now that's all I'm going to say about the story line for those of you who want to read it so there are no spoilers.<br />
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Again, TIME IS VALUABLE. There isn't a countdown clock on your nightstand, there is no knowing the future. There is now, there is only right now. Make the most out of every moment. You may know that someone doesn't have much time left here, but you never know the exact moment. There are things that I wish I could go back and change. Like getting to know my grandpa more than I do. He was my role model, he had so much strength and courage, and one of the last things he said to me will stay with me forever. But, with as much as I'd like to go back and get to know him more, I know that the future, as we are right now, would not be the same.<br />
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Right now, my life isn't bad, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse and I am grateful that it isn't. Everyone fights, argues, and has there fall-outs, but just make sure that when you fight, don't take too long to make up. You can never get time back, but you can choose how to spend it.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-6147304463483661792014-10-07T22:09:00.001-07:002014-10-07T22:09:32.417-07:00Does it ever end?For a long time I have been bad with speaking my mind, simply because I can't come up with the right words to form the thought I'm thinking. When I do say what I am thinking, most of the time people have no idea what I am even talking about. With that being said I have decided to blog more often because writing is the best way to get things off my mind. Even if I am the only one reading it.<br />
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A few weeks ago it seemed my world crashed and burned. By this I mean that I lost my lob, my boyfriend decided that as much as he cared about me we just were not working out, and on top of that because I lost my job I had no money to pay the rent. God bless my roommate that was able to spot me the money until I can pay him back. Since I live with my now ex boyfriend I have decided to take the opportunity to move back home and more than likely start school. I know I said I was going to awhile back but this time I am positive that it's what I want to do.<br />
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It has been a rough road the past few weeks because I really do miss him. We are still friends and I think out of the two weeks of our new status, we have had more fun than we have had since the first month of dating. Which I like to think of as a positive thing.<br />
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I'm not a big gamer but he did get me interested in Borderlands 2 which I have been playing all the time and have my character into the higher levels. Let me tell you something, he is bad ass!! They have the pre sequel coming out a little later this month with different characters and skill trees which I am really excited for!<br />
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That is one thing I think brought us a little closer together was the playing games and relaxing. Not going to lie, it is hard to be friends with someone you've been in love with for the past 6 months but I know that we are meant to be better friends than in a relationship. Things might be able to work out down the road but right now just friends. This I am okay with.<br />
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Tomorrow I plan on moving all of my stuff back into my mom's house (with my brothers help) which I am hoping goes well. Tonight me ex and I plan on waking up to watch the moon and its blood red deal which should be super fun.<br />
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I have also reconnected with an old friend these past few weeks and it's really nice to be able to talk to him like we had never been disconnected. He has been there for me in more ways than I ever expected and he has been making me very happy. He told me that it is okay to hurt but when I want to stop hurting I need to stand up and say that I am okay and that everything else is going to be okay. Then, and only then, will I be okay.<br />
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Those words have stuck with me every hour of the day. Thinking that I've already done that but realizing I haven't. Asking myself when is it the right time? When do I know that I am done hurting and that everything WILL be okay? I'm just glad that he sometimes has really good advice.<br />
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Recent events within my personal life have hit very very hard and it's been difficult to wrap my emotions around all of it. I have been scrambling to try and piece things together in my head of what I want to say and how I feel. You know when you were a kid and your parents told you to stop with the hissy fit so you went to your room held your pillow and just screamed into it? Yeah, I did that today. Multiple times actually. It felt good too. The only thing it accomplished is voicing my frustration.<br />
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I am ready to stand up and tell myself that I am okay and everything will be okay. My head is telling me yes, my heart is telling me no. I need to follow my gut, which way will it go? Let's hope I know soon.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-46606904603525143142014-08-05T06:52:00.000-07:002014-08-05T06:52:02.964-07:0021 Day Fix - Day 1I have been asked to participate in the 21 Day Fix with my roommates, and I have accepted their invitation. I am wanting to lose weight, so why not start here. I know this will be hard for me because I like food and although this program has provided me with a lot of food, it is still not my fatty snack food that I love.<br />
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Anyways, Day 1 was almost successful. I ate all (or tried at least) the food and cheated a little at the end of the day. I am not used to drinking just water so I cheated a little and had a soda, and took a few finger's full of my birthday cake frosting. Oh did I mention that totally spaced actually doing the work out? I mean I watched it, that should count right?<br />
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I was far from hungry though I do like snacking and that didn't happen yesterday. I plan on trying to actually eating my apples and peanut butter that I missed out on yesterday.<br />
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Day 1 down and day 2 in progress, 19 to go.<br />
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I also plan on trying to do more than just the exercises and in some cases switch out the exercises for walking because I need to start conditioning for my 5k walk that I will be doing in two weeks!! Scary but something I am wanting to get into, so why not start now.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-13044877129868298362014-01-22T21:30:00.000-08:002014-01-22T21:30:01.671-08:00Feeling InvisibleSo I had a pretty decent day today, dealt with my cranky boyfriend who I ended up making happy because of my weird ass personality. We went to dinner and had a great time and then we just talked. Which felt really nice because I never really get a chance to just talk with anyone except for my best friend because she knows my life by the back of her hand...but lets get to the posting title...after my nice evening I came home and my family was all talking and chatting, until I walked in. Then everyone went their own separate ways. Feeling ignored I had just decided to go back up to my room so they could have a great old time again..once walking up the stairs my mom asks if they all still wanted to play cribbage. I stopped on the stairs and just looked at them...then proceeded to walk back down the stairs and sit on the couch because I wanted to watch (knowing that it was only a three person game) because I didn't know how to play. Nobody invited me, nobody wanted me there. Then my brother asked if I came back down just so I could play, I said no then he proceeded to say, good because your not playing...I felt disappointed. So I sat there a little longer pouting and just decided to adventure back upstairs to let them have their fun. I can now hear them down there having a blast..Watch, if I walk down there I'm sure they will make it seem like it's really boring so I will leave. Come to think of it I am a bit thirsty... *snide remark face*Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-84172354726910673592014-01-13T16:58:00.000-08:002014-01-13T22:29:48.701-08:00Work & School SuckToday marks the first day of my five day weekend...(not by choice). I am enrolling myself in night school in an attempt to escape the misery of working for someone else. I recieved a phone call from the financial aid office of my college and they said that I need to fill out some papers and submit them so that I can get my financial aid. Classes start in about two weeks and I am freaking out!! I am so close to just giving up on college but I know it's in my better interests not to do that. For 22 months I will be attending school from 5pm-10pm Monday-Friday and only have a short little winter break...this is going to take the breath out of me. I hate dealing with Financial Aid papers because I always end up submitting the wrong one and it just goes downhill from there. Then after that whole shin-dig I end up not being able to start classes because I don't have the money that I need due to the fact that I submitted the wrong papers. Gahh!! Hopefully this won't be as frustrating as last time. Wish me luck!!Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-60517090450684303362014-01-01T22:29:00.000-08:002014-01-01T22:29:59.546-08:00Worst Day EverToday was a note worthy day to say the least, and not in a good way either. I overslept, rushed out of the house to make it to work, was still a half hour late; then proceeded to get yelled at for being late. Hell, at least I showed up!! They should have been thankful for that!! I think I jinxed it. The day before my manager said "Don't be late" and I'm thinking...'When am I ever late??' well apparently today was that day...could it get any worse?? As a matter o' fact it can, and it did. Got yelled at twice more for something I didn't know I did wrong because I wasn't told otherwise. Then ad a mental breakdown and started crying in my car because I wasn't about to cry at work. Then my co-worker wanted me to stay late so she could make it to break before she took off, which was fine. So I waited. Then I got yelled at for waiting....SERIOUSLY?!?! I was so frustrated that my New Year wasn't starting off too hot!! Everyone was irritated with me the whole day just because I was 27 minutes late and I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to go to lunch when I did because "You were here late, so everyone else should have gone first." I've been on the verge of breaking for awhile now, but this just sent me over the edge. Gahhh. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better start to the new year.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2067199513976529042.post-71447683316110227872013-12-31T22:19:00.003-08:002013-12-31T22:19:44.415-08:00My StoryI'm just your average girl. Graduated High School early, and moved on to College; now with a semester under my belt. Somehow college doesn't seem to satisfy me; between sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture to doing hours of homework there is no time to be social. I get that school is important so that you can get a job, but there is more to life than just learning and working to learn more and hopefully work your way up. Life is full of unseen moments and not yet felt emotions. I don't want to sit back and see my life drift away into constantly working. Getting less money than time that I put into it. So the saying "New year, New me" is actually going to happen for me this year. I'm going to go to school to do hair, I am going to move out with my boyfriend of a year because I am truly and completely in love with this man. Most of all, I am going to make sure that I take full advantage of what God lays in front of me. Risking things is so much greater than the hurt of the fall. Which hopefully I won't stumble and fall. But nobody ever gets it right the first time they try. Right?Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08079484405879297939noreply@blogger.com0