Tonight, just like any other, started off with laughter and jokes. It's always a blessing to be around people who genuinely make you happy. There is no other feeling like it. At this point you are probably thinking that I'm just being clichè, but have you seriously sat down and thought about it?
Through the past few years I've learned a lot about myself and who I want to be. I've set my goals an aspirations higher than I would have a few years back. Let's be honest here, hindsight is 20/20; it always is though. You don't know what you have until it's gone; you don't know how far you've gone until you look back on where you used to be.
Tonight was different for me though; I learned things about myself that I guess I somewhat knew already but at the same time it wasn't completely clear to me. Drama is not my friend, it never has been and never will be. Here are my thoughts on why I say this: it's bullshit. I'm guilty of creating drama (I made drama tonight in fact) and I'm mad at myself for doing it.
There was no reason to create the drama that I did. It was completely not necessary and honestly not at all helpful. Drama never is. It's helpful when you know so much about a person to know how annoyed they get with drama. Yet I still created it. Why? Not a clue. I guess I just wanted to be heard.
It gets to a point where you have to take a step back and ask yourself if it's truly worth it. Most of the time, you should find it not to be. I'm appologetic for my actions tonight, and it shouldn't have gone that far.
Moral of the story is that drama is unnecessary and never helpful. Even if it is because you want to be heard. Now, I know that's not the only reason people create drama, but it's at least some of why. That, or they want attention.
I'm not sure if they will read this, but if they do this is what I have to say to them. I'm sorry for trying to make something small into a big deal, that text broke my heart a little and I just wanted to comfort you in the best way I knew how to. That's what I do. Especially when you have such a special place in my heart. I know you don't like drama and the fact that I created it with you makes me a little sick to my stomach to be honest. I know my boundaries, and I somewhat know where I stand with you. It's just hard for me to sit across from you and not be able to help you like I know how to. I probably could have gone about it a different way, but I clearly wasn't thinking through it well enough. I love you, and I miss you.
Lonely midnight thoughts.