Over the course of the last week I have been indulging myself into a show on Netflix that I had no idea was based in Portland until I watched it. Called, 'Life Unexpected' this show has shed light on so many things in my life that I never thought anyone or anything could ever shine light on.
It's recently come to my attention that I am incapable of having friends, and more than one person close to me at a time. As much as I try to have multiple friendships, or just relationships in general it never works. EVER. Trust me, I've literally denied this my whole life insisting that I was able to have multiple friends. In the end I always end up with just one, sometimes none at all.
As for the reason I am this way, I have no idea. It's like I have ADHD when it comes to my friend circles. My mind becomes a vortex of chaos and it spirals out of control before I have time to figure out what is happening.
By the time my life is spinning out of control, once again I hit rock bottom. I should almost just build real estate down there because it seems to always be my place of existence. When everything and anything can and will go wrong, it does. Life always has a way of kicking me when I'm down.
Throughout my life of 20 and a half years, I've been through a lot. Yes, people my age have been through a lot more, or a lot less. Same hell, different devils. I've had people leave me, hurt me, lie to me, abuse me, wreck me, tear me apart limb by limb. Therefore I am a very guarded person. I don't talk to the people who love me, because how can I trust them when so many people have stabbed me in the back with a double edged sword?
Now some will say that you can't put your past on others, because not everyone is the same. That I can understand, but at the same time I have such a hard time opening up to people because once I do they leave. People see me as the class clown, I will always try to make your day better, I'm always looking for a joke or a way to make someone laugh. I will ask you a million times a day if you're okay because maybe to me, you seem a little off. Not your normal self.
People ask me if I'm okay, I always say I'm alright. That is my go to response, a conditioned response to everyone. One of my previous supervisor's took that as a negative thing, and complained about it on my yearly review. It's not a negative thing. I'm alright means that I'm not the best I could be but I'm not the worst I've been, I'm just ALRIGHT.
Sometimes I try to justify people hurting me, because I don't want to believe they did it on purpose. I don't want to believe that after everything they could just throw me down and kick me after everything we'd been through. After awhile you get used to making excuses for people and getting hurt is an everyday thing, and you don't know nice if it was sitting next to you. You think abuse is normal. Mental, physical, emotional; you start to think they are all normal because you don't know any better.
I used to blame my parents for making me so screwed up, mainly my dad. But it wasn't just him. Part of it probably because I put so much of my time and effort into pleasing him and all I would get is criticism, and things I should have done rather than a good job or way to go from what I did do. Nowadays I no longer strive to make him proud, or anyone really because I will never be good enough for them. I will never be who they want me to be.
Honestly, I cried at my High School graduation because I never thought I would make it to see that day. I cried when I got accepted into Southern Oregon University, and George Fox a year and a half later. Those were big accomplishments for me because I never thought I could. I'm not the girl that gets things like that.
Some things in life really just flood my mind and make it hurt so much it's almost unbearable. One day I was handed a handwritten letter. Much to my surprise it wasn't much of a letter, but a list. Front and back about 3 pages (college ruled). This was a compiled list from my (ex)boyfriend's best friend. About everything he had said he didn't like about me to her and then an explanation as to why in her own words.
This was by far the worst thing someone could have done to me emotionally. I took this letter, and he told me not to read it, but I did anyways. Would you? I wanted to know what someone I thought was my friend had to say about MY relationship. An outsider, who had only a sliver of what was really going on. And he might see this, he might not. I don't know who all reads this blog and who doesn't.
I didn't understand then, and I don't now. How someone could intentionally drown someone in their own personality and make them feel like shit about who they are. How she could sit there with a smile on her face knowing that this letter was going to tear me apart, and put cracks in my relationship. That messed me up as a person.
I'm so broken on the inside, and nobody knows that. Nobody knows that I am such a messed up person and nobody can understand me because half the time I can't even understand myself. Half the time I can't even explain to you how I feel what I feel, or why, or what caused it. I can be happy one minute, and completely depressed the next and have no idea why.
I'm not perfect, I'm hard to love, and I sure as hell don't make it easy; I also don't try to make it hard either. So I confess, I'm broken and emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted from the abuse of my life.