Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Does it ever end?

For a long time I have been bad with speaking my mind, simply because I can't come up with the right words to form the thought I'm thinking. When I do say what I am thinking, most of the time people have no idea what I am even talking about. With that being said I have decided to blog more often because writing is the best way to get things off my mind. Even if I am the only one reading it.

A few weeks ago it seemed my world crashed and burned. By this I mean that I lost my lob, my boyfriend decided that as much as he cared about me we just were not working out, and on top of that because I lost my job I had no money to pay the rent. God bless my roommate that was able to spot me the money until I can pay him back. Since I live with my now ex boyfriend I have decided to take the opportunity to move back home and more than likely start school. I know I said I was going to awhile back but this time I am positive that it's what I want to do.

It has been a rough road the past few weeks because I really do miss him. We are still friends and I think out of the two weeks of our new status, we have had more fun than we have had since the first month of dating. Which I like to think of as a positive thing.

I'm not a big gamer but he did get me interested in Borderlands 2 which I have been playing all the time and have my character into the higher levels. Let me tell you something, he is bad ass!! They have the pre sequel coming out a little later this month with different characters and skill trees which I am really excited for!

That is one thing I think brought us a little closer together was the playing games and relaxing. Not going to lie, it is hard to be friends with someone you've been in love with for the past 6 months but I know that we are meant to be better friends than in a relationship. Things might be able to work out down the road but right now just friends. This I am okay with.

Tomorrow I plan on moving all of my stuff back into my mom's house (with my brothers help) which I am hoping goes well. Tonight me ex and I plan on waking up to watch the moon and its blood red deal which should be super fun.

I have also reconnected with an old friend these past few weeks and it's really nice to be able to talk to him like we had never been disconnected. He has been there for me in more ways than I ever expected and he has been making me very happy. He told me that it is okay to hurt but when I want to stop hurting I need to stand up and say that I am okay and that everything else is going to be okay. Then, and only then, will I be okay.

Those words have stuck with me every hour of the day. Thinking that I've already done that but realizing I haven't. Asking myself when is it the right time? When do I know that I am done hurting and that everything WILL be okay? I'm just glad that he sometimes has really good advice.

Recent events within my personal life have hit very very hard and it's been difficult to wrap my emotions around all of it. I have been scrambling to try and piece things together in my head of what I want to say and how I feel. You know when you were a kid and your parents told you to stop with the hissy fit so you went to your room held your pillow and just screamed into it? Yeah, I did that today. Multiple times actually. It felt good too. The only thing it accomplished is voicing my frustration.

I am ready to stand up and tell myself that I am okay and everything will be okay. My head is telling me yes, my heart is telling me no. I need to follow my gut, which way will it go? Let's hope I know soon.

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